You realise it's a promotion? You're now the spearhead of the new sales policy.
HE GASPS
Shouldn't I wear a badge? L-plates, back and front(!)
You haven't sold anything yet! Some people are nervous about people coming to the door.
Yes, if they see a face like that. Haven't you got another expression?
Lugging all this lot, it could be sheer exhaustion.
I like it. It'll be an improvement.
I can... I can hardly lift this case up.
I'm all wrongly balanced.
Don't worry, lad.
I've thought about that too.
Salt of the earth.
You could sell him anything.
Life has so many perils.
I married one.
I often promised to marry one.
It makes me grow cold to think we could have been born in Bavaria and had to wear leather shorts.
Hey, I'm getting tired. Why don't we hitch a ride?
That's idle, irresponsible
and not a bad idea.
Imagine what could happen to you,
hitch-hiking in leather shorts!
I bet he votes Tory.
Would YOU stop for somebody dressed like you?
So I'm not a power dresser! At least his knees are covered.
They WERE at school - in scabs and inkspots. Tha should have seen me elbow!
I'll show you how to get a lift. I'm not hiding!
There's another way. You play upon people's curiosity.
The thing about human nature is, everybody's a nosey parker.
The next vehicle that comes, we ignore it. We pretend we're looking at something very interesting.
The chances are, the bloke'll stop and come for an eyeball. Then we've got him!
LOUD ROCK MUSIC
HE SWITCHES MUSIC OFF
Found something? Aye, thee. We need a lift.
OK. I just want to look first.
I told you - nosey parkers. I thought Edie usually did it for him.
I try to keep me hand in.
He's worse than Nora Batty. More feminine. Only in this light.
What were you looking at?
There's nothing. It was a ploy. We were just being sneaky.
And tha fell for it!
You're hiding it from me, aren't you? You don't want me to know.
Why don't you want me to know? There's nothing there. You're keeping it to yourselves.
Ah! Is that it down there?
Down where? There.
Didn't he marry twice?
Twice - and several near misses.
SHE's been married before. I helped with the wedding reception.
You had a job to tell who belonged to who and THEY didn't seem too sure.
I hope they have it all written down somewhere, in case of accidents.
And HE seemed more interested in the bridesmaid.
Always had a handkerchief in his top pocket.
It's a bad sign. Good men have better uses for their handkerchiefs.
And you could never wash the stains out! No matter how much you boiled 'em.
Still, better than finding them smelling of perfume.
If they start taking care of their hankies, you're in trouble.
Well, he married her. It wouldn't be long before he ran out of handkerchiefs.
She didn't look much of a washer to me. Not with fingernails like that.
The only thing she was equipped for was poking somebody's eye out!
Come in, why don't you(?)
Where does he think he's going with that lot? Australia?
I'm selling door-to-door.
I don't suppose you ladies would be interested...
You're right. We're not.
Sit down and stop making such a clatter.
I haven't time to sit down. I'm working for Hitler's sister.
I just wondered if you ladies would be interested in...
Ohh... O-Of course, it's wonderful exercise for toning up the muscles.
By the time I get the heart attack,
I'm going to be really fit.
Emigrating, Smiler? Was it something we said?
I'm selling, door-to-door.
To be honest, it doesn't look as interesting
as something like drink or funny women.
It's not.
You mean, he knows?
I've had my share of funny women!
Is there any other kind?
Stick with me, Norm. I'll show thee the ropes.
Your rope is holding up your trousers. We hope!
They look heavy, Smiler. What are you doing with that lot?
Nothing. Nobody wants to buy.
Oh, give him a lift before he loses that cheerful expression(!)
We'll give you a lift to t' next street.
Oh-h!
What's tha got in there? Every bloomin' thing.
Oww!
Morris dancers! Where's the bells, lad?
Bells to you!
A wheelchair? Not only do I have one, but I can do you a very good price.
It's for Smiler. He's had an accident - his handle fell off.
A heavy suitcase fell on his foot.
Oh, my goodness! Is the suitcase all right?
The suitcases are fine! Wesley's looking after them. Oh.
Mm, our first concern must be Smiler. Did he have a lot of money on him?
I don't think he'd sold anything. Oh, dear! It's worse than I thought.
Where's Smiler now? In Casualty. We want the wheelchair to get him home.
Home? Bring him here! He's meant to be working. He's hurt his foot!
Badly bruised, by the noise he made.
We've always thought he was a quiet person.
One foot! Huh! His foot can take the day off. I want the rest of him here.
Nice, isn't it?
I was only looking.
The simple disguises are the best.
Not the most exciting, just the best.
What's more innocent than helping someone like me cross the road?
This is the third time, Howard!
Will we ever be able to meet under normal circumstances?
What, and lose half the fun?
Crossing the road is not all a girl thinks of when she thinks of fun.
Well, we needn't JUST cross the road.
I mean, you could take me for a walk sometimes.
It would be a simple act of kindness.
It'd be a long walk, with you tapping your stick all the time.
I've got to make it look real!
Ah, you want to cross the road? Come on.
TOOT!
Fourth time!
Will somebody tell me why we're all walking when there's a spare chair?
I suppose you want us to push you?
That's very kind, Truly. Tha's a good lad, for an ex-copper.
People will think it's our fault he's in that condition.
Say I've neglected meself on account of pining for Nora Batty.
Hey up, what's this I'm sitting on?
I don't know what tha bought this for, Norm.
You saw. It was a medical emergency.
I thought she'd suspend her sales activity during the crisis.
Maybe she did. She only sold you ONE ornament!
Hey up!
Look who's coming - Nora Batty, my own true love!
The mop-and-duster set's Joan Collins!
Leave the talking to me.
Ask if she wants to buy an attractive ornament.
Whatever's the matter? How long's he been in a chair?
Is that Nora? I thought I heard Nora.
Oh, Lord! I'm beginning to hear things now!
No, you're not, love. It's me.
How are you feeling?
It is! It's Nora.
Oh, I'm so glad you've come, love, whilst there's still time.
When did it happen, love?
They say...it could happen at any minute.
See, I told thee! Oh, take him away! He wants locking up!
I enjoyed that! A nibble a day keeps the doctor away.
I'd sooner kiss the Streatham Strangler.
Again?
Ee, you look flustered. I've been assaulted by a man in a wheelchair.
A wheelchair?! Oh, they never give up, do they?
It was him next door. What was he doing in a wheelchair?
He lures people into feeling sorry for him, and then he strikes!
Did you hit him? How can you hit anybody in a wheelchair?
Oh, the crafty devil!
Wait till I catch him on his feet again!
ENGINE WHINES
He's been tampering with it - it never used to climb on THIS pavement.
You can't leave that there.
I didn't leave it here. It chose to come here itself.
You'll have to move it...NOW!
Cyril Gridley! You're Mavis Gridley's boy, aren't you?
You'll have to move it, Mrs Pegden.
Is that how to speak to your elders? Mavis didn't bring you up like that.
..Please, Mrs Pegden.
I remember you getting your bottom powdered, lad,
and I could see a bigger smile then than I can now!
Could I move the vehicle for you, Mrs Pegden?
It's not easy to drive. My husband faffs about with it.
Why don't we give it a try?
Right, I want the Co-op first, then take me to my little butcher's.
I'm on duty, Mrs Pegden!
Does your mother know how argumentative you've become?
Mind the next corner! She usually goes on the pavement.
SMILER GROANS
It's just a bruise! It's agony.
Agony suits you. It'll never find a better fit.
Be careful. Don't knock it.
Stop moaning! It's us what's doing the pushing.
And me with a bad back I was saving for Nora Batty.
I thought SHE'd got a bad back. Front. Sorry.
What's wrong with her front?
It looks better from the back.
Is he in pain?
It's that - he has something on his foot.
Ow, ow, ow!
HORNS BLARE
Ouch! Ow! Ow! Ow!
They said I hadn't to knock it!
Tha's not - WE are. Suppose it goes septic?
That reminds me - I must call the former Mrs Truelove.
Can you die from a bruised foot?
I give you no more than about 30 years, Smiler.
I knew it. I'm terminal.
This man needs cheering up.
Fancy a drink, Smiler? Not really.
Of course, he could be lying. ..Let me do it.
Oh...Oh...
Oh!
CRASH! Oww!
Come on then, up. That's the stuff.
If he's going to be rowdy, I don't want him in here.
We'll keep him quiet.
What happened to him? Professional wrestler.
At his age? He uses make-up.
I don't use make-up!
He won't admit it in case it leads to problems in the changing rooms.
What name does he wrestle under?
Big Sylvia - uses too much make-up.
They keep banging me into walls.
He wants to become impervious to pain. He has a long way to go, then.
Hey up! There's Barry.
Ohh! Getting there, Smiler!
Penny for 'em, Barry.
I think I'm executive material.
Ah, well, we'd know better if we saw thee taking important decisions,
like...buying the next round.
Consider it done. That's good enough for me.
No question. This lad is executive material.
Landlord! Give this man a whisky. And we'll have the same.
Who's paying?
Oh, that's kind of you, Smiler. You can buy the round after Barry.
Oh...
Oh! Ow!
What's wrong with his foot?
He keeps banging it on walls.
Hello, Mavis. Come in. No, I can't stop.
But I just had to come and say how sorry I am about your Howard.
Well, I often feel the same, but how come you feel like that?
Mrs Bradbury said she saw him walking with a white stick.
A white stick? It must have been very sudden.
Very. Mrs Bradbury said he had what looked like his nurse with him.
..Oh!
Oh, he did, did he? Yes, but she didn't look like a nurse.
I suppose she's just some kind volunteer.
Oh, she's a volunteer, all right.
Just like one of them old-time fire horses.
Can't wait to get between the shafts.
Anyhow, I thought I'd just say how sorry we all are.
Not as sorry as he'll be. What?
That he missed you, Mavis.
Tell him I hope he's feeling better soon.
Has he had an accident? Not yet.
Thank you, Mavis.
I don't ask a lot. All I ask is that you fit where you're supposed to fit.
Is that too much to ask?
Do we have to have this struggle every time?
Is it something I said?
Is it because you're Japanese?
Has our Barry been drinking?
How can tha tell from 20yds away?
How's the foot, Smiler? Terrible. They keep running me into walls.
No, we only run him into walls occasionally.
The problem is, Wesley, he's not happy with his wheelchair.
The problem is he's not happy.
He gets full marks for depression, don't you, Smiler?
Have you EVER been happy? When I was in love.
Then she spoiled it by going and getting married. Who to?
To me.
Hold this.
I don't want to get greasy. I'm hoping to ask for promotion.
You've got it, lad. I hereby promote you.
Careful! Its dimensions are critical.
I know the feeling.
Will Barry still be speaking to us, now he's into executive stress?
You never know when they rise as rapidly as that.
He looks like the same old Barry...
with dirtier hands.
Why's he walking with a white stick?
First, he says he's practising in case his eyesight fails.
IS it failing? Not as fast as his brain.
Then he says "he must have picked it up without noticing it were white."
Is that possible?
It is when you see what he picks up.
With all the practice, you'd think they'd lie better.
I think it's Nature's way of keeping women informed.
I always know when Wesley's hiding something - he smiles a lot.
It's a bad sign when they smile.
You can see "guilty" written across their teeth.
It's only when they're looking miserable, you know everything's as it should be.
What about enjoyment, excitement?
What about drinking your coffee?
Oh, Mother!
I hope your Barry's not smiling a lot. Not at the moment.
He's worried about asking for promotion.
Men are no good at that. You'll have to do it for him. He wouldn't let me do that!
I did it for your father. He wouldn't have got a raise otherwise.
Didn't the other men laugh at him? They did at first.
But when they saw all his raises, they wanted me to do it for them.
- You must draw the line somewhere. - They need a woman behind 'em.
They need a whack with a white stick, some of 'em.
When you have your own business, you never get a rise.
You can put the price of buns up.
You should hear the complaints!
From who?
Well, you, for a start.
Well...when you've brought the right change, it comes as a shock!
How did you get an appointment with me father's boss? You don't need an appointment!
You just catch him in the street. When they're off their own ground, they're not half so cocky.
There you go, lad.
Your foot's now got 100% protection.
They can't run it into any walls.
Where can I wash me hands?
Where does tha think tha is? The hairdressers?
You need your hands petal-soft for promotion, Barry.
We in the Force had to handle all kinds of unpleasant secretions.
I hope he never has to make me a sandwich.
Will it work? Of course it'll work!
It's got an impact absorber.
An impact absorber!
Wow! It's been worth bruising your foot for. No, it hasn't.
We've just got to find somewhere to test it.
This is the pub where he caused all the trouble.
YOU caused all the trouble, by running me into things.
All we bumped into was Barry.
Do I have to buy more whiskies? Good offer. We accept.
Couldn't I stay here and be tested?
No, no, no. We've got to prove it to you, give you some confidence.
Now, Wesley's going to run you straight at the door. It won't touch your foot.
He's going to run me at the door?
Don't worry, Smiler.
Anything happens, I'll take care of your whisky.
It'll work. I feel confident.
Supposing it don't work? That's the point of testing it.
If it doesn't work, I'll make adjustments.
What about the pain and suffering?
Make a small donation to me engine fund.
I mean MY pain and suffering.
Let's see how easy it is to open the door.
Argh!
GLASS SHATTERS
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ouch!
How come I'm wheeling you? If he won't use it, somebody else might as well have a ride.
Will being thrown out of a pub ruin my chances of promotion? Definitely.
Oh, no! Stone dead, Barry.
Ahh!
Leave me! LEAVE ME! I'll get the bus home.
Anywhere'll be safer than with you.
TOOT!
What do you think you're doing?!
Hey!
He-e-elp!
Stop him, Barry! Me?
You're the youngest. Get after him.
Dramatic rescue - the quickest way to promotion.
Ar-rgh-h-h!
I'm sure he's one of your loyalest employees, Mr Marsden.
We all think very highly of Barry.
He carries himself in a sober manner, which we all appreciate.
Help!
Get out of the way!
Not like some people!
Barry!
They say there's new optimism in the housing market, Mr Marsden!
Barry...!
Use your bumper! Run it into t' wall.
Right, Barry! And good luck with the promotion!
Subtitles by BBC - 1999